Oh, the dreaded friendzone! The bane of every man’s existence, the coo of every woman’s game, and the fuel for argument between the two. Men argue vehemently that it’s a very real concept, and women can’t seem to grasp what it really means–thus claiming that it’s a myth perpetuated by the PUA (pick-up arts) crowd.

Let me tell you from personal experience that it’s a very real place–a very frustrating place. The friendzone can plague your every waking moment and turn you into a frustrated chump.

I think it’s important that I take the time to define what the friendzone is for the female readers who come across this. First, let me first tell you what it’s NOT. The friendzone has nothing to do with friendship. Just because the word “friend” is used doesn’t mean that it pertains to being friends with a woman. The “friend” portion of the word is used for irony because the most common response to men in this position is, “Oh, I don’t see you as more than just a friend.” So, before you get your guns out, recognize that the friendzone stands more for the illusion of friendship than actually being friends.

The friendzone, in quite simple terms, is merely the position in which a man has very strong feelings for a girl and is afraid to tell her. Instead of being upfront about those feelings, he becomes her friend first without ever expressing any sexual interest in her. In more severe cases, he’ll do nice things for her–buy her gifts, take her places, hang out with her for a night, etc. He’ll get into long conversations with her on the phone, listen to her complain about the guys she’s dating, and be overly supportive of her feelings and needs without expecting anything in return.

Sounds like a good plan, doesn’t it? To a guy it seems very logical. In fact, the number one complaint from girls is that there are no nice guys. It stands to reason, then, that being a nice guy would be attractive to a woman. Being OVERLY nice should get you extreme brownie points with her.

The trouble, however, comes when the woman does not respond the way guys think she will respond. Because he has chosen to bury his sexuality and interest in her, she has no clue that he even likes her. The feelings build until he can no longer contain them, and he eventually spills the beans to her. To someone who had no clue that he even liked her, this will come across as extremely out-of-the-blue and overly emotional–which is too much for her to handle. She’s thinking that she has a friend, but in reality he’s been too much of a wimp to tell her how he really feels.

It’s a terrible cycle because the guys in this situation get frustrated that their antics don’t work and the girls get used to the attention they get from them. When the truth comes out, it creates an awkward dynamic between the two. The girl wants to continue receiving the attention because she thought she met a wonderful, nice guy. The guy just wants to bail on the relationship because he’s frustrated that she chooses the jerks who treat her bad over him.

But is that nice guy really “nice”? Or is the niceness just a form of manipulation? I assert the latter. There is a huge difference between doing something nice because you truly want to and doing something nice because you think it’ll win you “points” towards getting into a relationship. The reason that your actions go unappreciated is because you aren’t being nice. You are trying to manipulate the situation so that you don’t have to risk anything. You try to hide your flaws through your niceness–which makes you deceitful and untrustworthy as a lover.

So, what can you do about it? How can guys avoid falling into this trap? What happens if you find yourself in the friendzone with someone even after you’ve changed and become more assertive? Here’s some tips…

1. Never hide your true intentions. Come on, guys, stop pretending like you are something you are not. If you are sexually attracted to her, then let her know that upfront! You can’t remove all the risk from the situation and still expect to get the reward. That’s never going to happen, so stop deluding yourself. The greatest things in life are worth the risk. A man with true self-confidence knows what he wants and goes after it. Women want to be chased. They don’t want someone who is going to pussy-foot around and pretend to be their friend just to get into their pants. Stop hiding your sexuality.

2. Become a “good man,” not a “nice guy.” There is a difference. A nice guy will buy a girl flowers thinking that she will like him for it. A good man will take a woman out, show her a good time, and then buy her flowers because he thinks she deserves them. A nice guy will spend hours on the phone talking about how great he is. A good man will show her how great he is by bringing her into his world. A nice guy will be her psychiatrist, agreeing with her every word. A good man will be true to himself and not be afraid to disagree with her. Nobody wants a yes man. Be your own person, and do good things because you truly feel it, not because you want validation from someone on how great you are.

3. Remain only in the relationships that enrich you. The biggest thing about the friendzone is that it can be draining to the guy who is willing to listen to a girl complain about her dating life. The guy will give without receiving anything in return. Make sure that your relationships are reciprocal and cut out any relationship that is all give but no take. It’s OK to be a little selfish.

4. Stop using good deeds as a barter for emotional fulfillment. You don’t owe anybody anything. They don’t owe you anything. You forge friendships for one reason: to make a connection with another person. That connection is reciprocal in its process. You give a little, you receive a little. You can never, EVER win someone’s emotions through buying them things or doing nice things for them. That is manipulative on a level that you don’t want to go to. Real friends enjoy each other’s company, and that is reason enough to be friends.

5. Learn to set boundaries. You don’t have to agree with everything that she says. In fact, a lot of times women are looking for a guy who will treat her good but still know how to disagree with her. That exudes confidence, which is highly attractive to a woman.

I think you’re starting to get the picture. You can learn to escape the friendzone by never putting yourself there in the first place. All it takes is a little self-respect. This is not to say that you can’t be friends with a girl. You just don’t want to fool yourself into thinking you’re friends with a girl you want more from–such as a relationship. Just don’t be her friend thinking that your friendship will win her over. You have your wit, your charm, and your winning personality to do that. Use them.